Sticks and Stones
As a pastor for 23 years, I wasn’t supposed to need encouragement from my congregation—or from anyone else. All my encouragement should have come directly from the Lord’s love for me in Christ and the confidence that He had called me to the task, right?
And if I did receive encouragement, I felt obligated to deflect it immediately to the glory of God—making sure everyone knew it was His power at work, not mine. A good sermon? God’s grace. Wise leadership? God’s wisdom. Compassionate care? Christ’s mercy. In no way should I linger over those words as if they belonged to me.
And conversely, I was supposed to weather criticism with ease. Take it seriously if there was truth in it, but otherwise brush it off and move on. Have “thick skin and a big heart” as my mentor Scotty Smith prays. Or reframe it with Spurgeon’s biting wit: “Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are worse than he thinks you to be.”
And yet…
So many Sundays ended with me longing for—no, needing—just one encouraging word. And far too many were spent trying to recover from the smallest criticism or disappointment veiled as a “suggestion”. I became skilled at polishing encouraging words like little trophies, arranging them on the shelves of my heart so they gleamed against my darkest self-doubts. I also became skilled at justifying critiques, either by mentally attacking the critic or by shifting the blame to circumstances.
The childhood rhyme says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” In my experience, that was utterly false. Words did hurt—sometimes more than broken bones. Maybe you understand.
The Truth About Encouragement
Encouragement is oxygen for the soul. Paul told the Thessalonians,1 Thess. 5:11
Encourage one another and build each other up.
Notice—it’s not optional. God knows how quickly courage leaks out of us, so He commands us to pour it back into one another.
But encouragement is rare. Critique, comparison, complaint—they come easily. Encouragement, the very thing that keeps weary disciples walking and strengthens shaky knees, is too often left unsaid.
Two Kinds of Encouragement
Scripture shows us there are two distinct but complementary forms:
- Encouragement in Response to Performance – affirming faithfulness, sacrifice, or obedience like Paul’s encouragement to the Thessalonians for their “work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope” (1 Thess. 1:2–3). Performance encouragement says: I see your labor in the Lord. It matters. Keep going.
- Encouragement as a Declaration of Identity – naming someone’s God-given character, calling, or created beauty like the angel’s declaration that Gideon was a “mighty man of valor” (Judg. 6:12) while he is actually hiding in fear. God speaks identity before performance. Identity encouragement says: I see who God made you to be, even if you don’t see it yet.
Both are essential. Performance encouragement fuels perseverance. Identity encouragement fuels courage and deep worth. Together they form the full biblical pattern of building one another up.
The Fruit of Encouragement
Encouragement doesn’t just soothe feelings; it strengthens futures. It helps people and communities flourish:
- Individually: Encouragement reminds people of their God-given worth and potential. It can take someone stuck in self-doubt and give them courage to take the next step. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Prov. 25:11).
- In relationships: Encouragement builds trust and intimacy. It is relational glue, knitting hearts together in unity.
- In teams and churches: Encouragement creates culture. When Paul affirmed the Thessalonians’ labor, their whole church was strengthened (1 Thess. 1:2–3). Encouragement multiplies motivation, loyalty, and joy in a shared mission.
Encouragement is like water to parched ground—what looks barren can suddenly burst with life.
Why Do So Few of Us Encourage?
Despite its power, encouragement is rare. Why?
- Pride and Competition – “Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder” (James 3:16). Pride keeps the spotlight on us.
- Fear of Inflating Egos – “Love builds up” (1 Cor. 8:1). Biblical encouragement roots in truth, not vanity.
- Insecurity and Comparison – Cain resented Abel (Gen. 4). Our insecurity can silence our affirmations.
- Cynicism – We doubt people change, but Paul reminds us: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion” (Phil. 1:6).
- Neglect and Apathy – Hebrews warns against being “hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Heb. 3:13). Hard hearts stop seeing good.
- Misunderstanding Encouragement – Confusing it with flattery, instead of truth spoken in love (Eph. 4:15).
Our silence is not innocent—it’s often fueled by pride, fear, or unbelief.
A Biblical Way Forward
Encouragement is not an extra—it’s a means of grace. God uses it to sustain His people and advance His mission.
- In our families: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Encourage effort and identity.
- In the church: Like Barnabas, find the overlooked and name their worth. Like Paul, celebrate the faithfulness of others.
- In suffering: “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad” (Prov. 12:25).
Encouragement is not cheap. It costs attention, humility, and love. But when given, God multiplies it.
So let us take Hebrews 3:13 to heart: “Encourage one another daily.” Don’t wait. Speak the word today. Whether it’s recognizing faithfulness or declaring God’s image in someone, encouragement is oxygen—and the world is suffocating.
Questions for Reflection
Who in your life right now is weary and could use a word of encouragement—either for what they’ve done or for who they are?
Which barrier most often keeps you from encouraging others—pride, fear, insecurity, or simple neglect—and how might God be inviting you to overcome it?
Do you tend to encourage people only for their performance and not for their innate qualities? What might that reveal about whether you’re operating more by merit than by grace?
What one intentional step could you take this week to build encouragement into your daily rhythm (family, friendships, workplace, church)?